I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
His nipple licking is glorious
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