Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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