Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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