last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
