it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
