I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
