I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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