I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
