My Higher Power is John Stamos
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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