Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
