My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
sarcasm needs its own font
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You're like the curious george of whores
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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