You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
