I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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