you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
there was a trapeze. enough said
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
