goodnight i made you a song goodbye
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
