So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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