new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
