trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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