you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
