found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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