When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize