i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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