I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize