its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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