Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize