the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize
