I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
