Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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