I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
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