i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
