atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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