the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
