Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
