I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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