i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
