So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
