I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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