Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
