Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
