Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
