i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
