I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
