No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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