A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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