I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
