I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Semen is not good for contacts.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
