Please, let me fuck your mom
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
