five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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