apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
