When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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