Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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