I think my fart just growled at me.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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