What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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