Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
