Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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