i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
