Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize